"I Don't Know How To Be A Friend" Digital Art Print

I did something that I may have subconsciously vowed to never do again: give a thank you note to a coworker. The day before I was reading 2 books that talked about the 5 laws of stratospheric success in which the one law is about giving value to the other person. One of my coworkers is a bright spot on my work days and out of the blue invited me to her house for Thanksgiving even though she barely knows me. I was nearly moved to tears and as I thought of adding value to her life I decided to write her a note and let her know how much she is a blessing to me because how will she know if I don't tell her? But I was not prepared for the emotions and memories that would flood me and the faint hope of perhaps a real friend. Not only is it causing me to grieve the rocky relationship that I had with a former employer that later turned spiritually and emotionally abusive(which causes me a lot of struggles in the workplace and elsewhere) but it also reminds me of how many friends I thought I had in the past only to lose basically all. Thus the title for this painting...because in writing that little note I was freshly reminded of how little I know how to be a friend and how exhausted I am of trying to find friends and build relationships...and I wonder if I just let down the wall by writing that note only to have another relationship crumble before my eyes. I want to be a friend...but, really...I have no idea how to be one. And I grieve afresh of the many people who I once thought were my friends only to watch them turn their backs on me or just drop me out of their life...I don't know how to be a friend...I never learned how to have healthy    relationships...and that needs to be grieved...